Time in the wilderness

"Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the Devil." Matt 4:1

Over the last week, I've had such the opportunity to connect with so many of my dear sisters in the faith in Arizona. For me, it was a much needed time of renewal and rest. However, during my special time of restoration, I realized that many others so dear to me were in much darker, less joyful, trying places. Conversation after conversation echoed this theme. I found myself often speaking about a recent experience in my life; one that is still very fresh and not yet fully understood. I call it my time in the wilderness.

Matt 4:1 sets the stage. I've read, and studied, the story of Satan tempting Jesus in the wilderness many times. Oddly enough, I never really focused on the first verse. It is such an amazing verse and one that has quite literally brought me from my despair to my joy.

"Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness..." My initial thought? Who the heck wants to be led into the wilderness. The wilderness...an area where there is a lack of food, lack of water, and lack of protection against the beasts that seek to devour me. I know that in my life, I can only be led to a place that I don't want to go by someone who I trust implicitly and know quite well. Look at who led Jesus into the wilderness. It was the Holy Spirit. So, we've got a place that is anything but good, but our most trusted counsel is telling us to go there. Does that strike anyone else? It certainly does for me. It makes me think why am I meant to go here? Clearly, the wilderness was more than Jesus knew it to be.

"....to be tempted by the Devil." Then, Jesus is made aware that the entire purpose of going to the wilderness is to be tempted by the Devil. Again, this is not a situation that I would want to be in. But, the Holy Spirit has led Jesus there. His Father in heaven has given direction to the Holy Spirit to place Him in the wilderness where He will be tempted. And Jesus goes.

For me, the wilderness has represented my time back in New York. While I have grown spiritually, it has been a very dry place for me. I often find myself thirsting for relationships with other believers, hungry for people who desire to seek God's face daily. It's been a challenge leaving Scottsdale, then Prineville, then Tanzania...all places where there was an abundance of women who sought the face of God and challenged me daily, to come to New York. I'd often felt that I had entered into a wilderness and was no longer being led by God. I struggled for quite some time because I was no longer able to feel the presence of God. I was in the Word, I was in prayer, I was fasting...I was doing all the things that I had been taught to do to draw closer to God and yet...I still couldn't feel Him.

I'm still in the wilderness. But, praise the Lord, this verse has brought me from my despair to the fullness of joy. The wilderness no longer represents a place that is lacking in food, lacking in water and lacking in protection. Quite the contrary. The wilderness is abundant with food. Just like the Israelites, I need to eat of the manna that God is providing. The wilderness is abundant with water. Just like the Israelites, I need to drink from the rock that was stuck in my need. And the wilderness is abundant with protection. "I will never leave you or forsake you." What more can I say? My wilderness has turned from a time of wandering to a time of pressing into God and trusting that with each and every step, my God will lead me.

There is such joy in following God in the wilderness. More than I have ever felt in my entire Christian walk. He is now truly the light unto my feet. He is truly my strength. He is truly my fortress. When I praise Him, I

How am I walking?

Oh, the Lord is popping little nuggets of wisdom on me and illuminating the Word.

"Therefore, I, a prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called..." Eph 4:1

After reading this verse today, my question to myself was simple: How am I walking?

When I reflect upon the surpassing greatness by which I have been saved, I realize the manner in which I am walking does not prove to be worthy of the calling with which I have been called. It doesn't even come close.

I realize that the manner in which I walk will never ever truly be worthy of the calling of Christ. It cannot ever be because what is worthy of Christ is only realized in true light, true truth and true love. I am capable of walking only through the Holy Spirit in me. I can never walk, alone, in a manner worthy. But, Christ in me, through the Holy Spirit can walk in a manner worthy.

The Holy Spirit brings with Him the fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22). When this fruit is allowed to sprout forth from me, my manner is made worthy of Christ. So, what must I do? I must allow the Holy Spirit to have His way in me and allow His fruit to be that which I bear.

Man alive, that's hard. But, it must be a decision I make everyday to allow Him to work in me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours...

I don't even know where to begin, or how to explain all that my heart wants to convey.

One of my prayers has been for God to "break my heart for what breaks Yours", from Hillsong's Hosanna. It is such a beautiful song and one that catapults me into worship. The desire in me to understand what breaks God's heart has been so strong.

At Sunday night service, which was just surreal and powerful, we sang Hosanna. I cannot explain worship that night with Steve Smith because I was completely consumed by the Holy Spirit. I've been told it was loud, spiritual, warfare music. I can remember opening my eyes a few times and seeing people completely lost to God. As we sang the above line, I once again prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks His.

At the end of the service, which was sort of a fog for me, the evangelist felt the Holy Spirit speaking to him to commission people in our congregation. Many went forward, myself one of them. As the Holy Spirit fell on people, there was uncontainable laughter in the sanctuary. Joy from the heavenlies abounded. That is, it abounded for most, except for me.

As hard as I tried to press in, to find God, to connect, I just wasn't able to touch it. My joy began to turn to sadness. Even while praying in the Spirit, my prayers were sad. The sadness then began to turn to the deepest broken-heartedness that I have felt. I've only experienced that level of heart-ache once before. My soul was weeping. It was torn apart at the idea that I had given all that I have to pursue Christ and still it was not enough for Him. Having your soul weep is very different than crying from something you can process in your mind. This was the deepest sense of moroseness that I can even try to explain.

I got in the car and drove home. I didn't even want to try to pray. I wanted to throw everything that I believed out the window, but I couldn't. You see, I am in love with someone and I still wanted more than anything in life for Him to love me back. I realized that I would be content just to have a single crumb from His plate if it meant that I might be in His presence.

It wasn't until 2 days later, with the help from a very wise man who stands in the office of a prophet, that I realized that I had experienced just what I had been praying for. I had had my heart broken for what breaks His.

What breaks His heart? I do. You do. We all do. Christ has pursued us and sought after us with everything He had, including His life. God pursued the Israelites with His heart. He provided all that they would ever need; He just wanted them to love Him. And guess what? They rejected Him, just like we do. I believe what I felt was the anguish that Christ feels when we choose to lavish our love, our devotion, our time, our worship and our affections on anything but Him.

A weekend with my best friend

Just arrived home from spending the weekend with Nina. God sure knows how to bless us when He puts people in our lives. I truly love my best friend. I know, we ALL love our best friends but I mean my soul loves her and is very thankful for her presence in my life. She's that sister that I never had, but more.

I think what I appreciated the most this weekend was her generosity. In everything she does, she is generous. The meals she prepares for me, the random gifts she picks up, the flowers in my room. She is just a wonderful example of what generosity is meant to look like.

Another thing that I value so much about being with her is how she has helped me embrace my freedom as a single woman again. After being in a relationship for over a year with a man who was very conservative with spending and conscious of every dime that was spent and not at all happy if I wore anything that did not resemble a potato sack because it might be too revealing, I was not only able to go shopping and buy clothes, but I was able to get dressed up, put on heels and make-up and buy some clothes that allow me to show off those curves that our Heavenly Father gave us. Girls, I'm not saying reveal it all. I'm not even suggesting to reveal a thing but embrace that body that God gave you. I've loved being able to shop again and go out to dinner and order anything that my heart desires on the menu. Anything! Steak! Wine! Dessert! And guess what? It doesn't have to be from the Happy hour menu only! Nina really helped me get over this hurdle this weekend and I feel so darn good.

Let my face shine

For the last 10 days, my church has had the thrilling opportunity to go through a Revival. We had the blessing of having Roy Fields of Run with Fire Ministries come to Kingston and serve the Lord through ministering to our congregation as well as the greater area.

The journey through Revival has been, and continues to be, almost impossible to scribe. But then again, aren't emotions and faith almost always? What words exist in our language to fully capture the glory of God and the way the Holy Spirit works?

As the team prepared to leave on Sunday and the Revival was wrapping up, there was a deep sense of sadness and uncertainty. Some I spoke to even said that in their spirits, they didn't feel it was time for him to leave. Comments like that make me stop and think. Roy's departure also comes at a time when our Pastor leaves for India for two weeks. The theme that I was picking up from so many was this: how can they leave us know? How can they leave us after this mountain top experience? What will happen to us? What are we to do?

Exodus 34:29 "It came about when Moses was coming down from Mount Sinai ...that Moses did not know that the skin of his face shone because of his speaking with Him."

Exodus 34:35 "the sons of Israel would see the face of Moses, that the skin of Moses' face shone. "

The story of Moses on the mountain top came to mind. After being in the presence of God on Mt. Sinai and receiving instruction from the Lord, Moses then came down from Mt. Sinai to deliver the Lord's instructions to the Israelites. However, Moses didn't know at the time that his face shone so brightly that it would cause him to wear a veil as to not blind the Israelites.

The answer to the questions lie in this simple passage. We are not called to live on the mountain top. We are called to live in the valley. The mountain top is only the time that we stand in the presence of God; the time that God Himself touches us. We receive in such a way from God in those precious times that they fill our spirit and our soul.

However, just as Moses, we are to descend from the mountain top and, with faces shining from the presence of God, be a light and a reflection of the glory of God. After all, if Moses had remained on the mountain, what would have happened to the Israelites?

So, embrace the time on the mountain but know that there is a time to be in the valley as well. What will happen now that Roy has gone and Vaughan has left? Nothing. They weren't the ones who touched my heart, it was the Holy Spirit and He never leaves me.

Fruitful Labor

As I continue on along in my journey through the book of Philippians, many old verses are brought to me new. Words that I have read hundreds of times suddenly appear fresh and vibrant, and new meaning rings to them.

Philippians 1:22 "...this will mean fruitful labor for me..."

Hmm...fruitful labor. Not just labor; fruitful labor. I never saw the word fruitful before. I've always focused my attention on laboring for the kingdom but have never stopped to evaluate if what I am doing for the kingdom is fruitful.

Over the last decade, I've been able to build quite a nice resume of labor that I have done for the kingdom. Let's see...we've got the hospitality team at Cafe in Boston, Membership Committee at Park Street...oh and there is also leading small groups and helping out once a month at the breakfast. And how could I forget about the Greeting Team at Soma? Or about my missions work with SBC? I am sure I am not alone in being able to list all sorts of work that I have done for the kingdom. But my question is this: how much of this labor was fruitful? What activities did I do that really sowed into the harvest for the Kingdom? Interestingly, my resume becomes quite condensed. It's reduced to a handful of dedicated activities where my soul was invested in individuals and the deposits were made into Heaven.

So, I come to this point. What am I doing now for God that will yield not just a harvest, but a fruitful, abundant crop that will bring forth seed for the next harvest and the harvest after that?

Selfish motives

I use to like the book Philippians. Well, that was until the Holy Spirit really began to get at me through the verses it contains.

If someone were to ask me, "ErinStacy, do you think you are selfish?", I would say a little bit, but not too much. Well, as I learned today, a little bit is just a little bit too much.

Philippians 2:3
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit; but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.

There is was...do nothing from selfishness....

Self-examination. Do I do things that are selfishly motivated. Yes, all the time. I really feel the Spirit moving in me to put the concerns and desires of others above me. Look out for the personal interests of others, not just myself.

What does that look like for me? Well, when I see that Mom needs to have her bed made, or Dad needs to have someone take the trash out, doing these things before I even have to be asked. Or, when I am asked, even if it is an "inconvenience" for me, doing it with a good attitude with the realization that 1 minute out of my day really is not a sacrifice.

I'm trying to focus on this each day.