I realize that I have not been a good Blogger lately. Is it because I have nothing to say? Or perhaps that I have not done anything exciting? Or maybe because I have been too busy to think? Any of those reasons would be valid, but they would all be untrue. I've got much to say, have done many exciting things and seem to be thinking all the time. I must say that I haven't been good at blogging lately because my thoughts don't seem to fall into one area, one box, where I can easily categorize them and share. So, today I am just going to share some thoughts that I have been pondering while here. Welcome to my mind.
It's been almost three months since I arrived to Tanzania. If you asked me three months ago what I was expecting from my missions trip, the answer is still very close to what I expect now: to explore and really own my spirituality; to develop a closer relationship with my Savior. I can remember sitting with Frank and Fred in Scottsdale in February. They asked me why I wanted to do missions work. The only answer that I could give was because I wanted to have 6 months to spend with my God; six months to focus on Him. Of course I would have responsibilities and roles to do there, but my expectation was to spend time with God.
Since arriving here, my roles and responsibilites have been a bit vague. I like to think that I am existing in the grey. I've learned that it is really hard to become part of an organization, especially if you are not getting paid. Let me explain. When I joined Dial in 2004, I instantly became part of a team. Why? Because they had an open position and it had to be filled. They saw a need and believed that I was able to fill it. Their belief in my abilities was so strong that they were willing to pay me and provide me with benefits. Not so much here.
It was much harder at first existing in this grey area. To be honest, I felt a lot of guilt at first. So many of you have supported me and I wanted to be able to give you tangible results; weekly reports of what was being accomplished over here to show you that your money was being well spent. Even now, you will be waiting quite a long time for weekly reports. I still don't have a work permit to be at Imara and feel more and more strongly that my ministry here is bigger than this organization. What that means fully, I do not know. About a month ago, I felt there was a need to gather single, Christan women missionaries together for fellowship. Hannah, another missionary, felt the same and we have begun, in essence, a womens fellowship group on Saturdays. From speaking with several of the ladies, I have been told that they feel much more connected. That's a part of ministry.
Over the last week, I have felt the leading to begin a women's bible study. I'm still seeking direction on this, but believe this is the next area of ministry that I am being called to. I enjoy investing in women. Whether it is mentoring or discipling, or just leading a small group or agreeing to meet one-on-one for prayer, my heart seems most at peace and for me, it is at those times that I feel that most compassionate (not a character trait that I would call myself strong in). So, we will see where that goes.
What that means for my ministry here, I can only say that I have learned that I need to be very careful not to assume that I know what God is going to do with me in ministry. Breaking it down: I came here thinking that I would work only with Imara and at this point, my ministry seems to be going on outside the very place that I thought that it would happen. Can someone explain that to me? I feel that it is important to state that I am doing stuff with Imara here but that the greater part of what I am doing as a missionary is occuring outside my receiving organization, through no power of my own.
One more thing that I really want to share is that I am learning so much about my faith and the Holy Spirit. I'm realizing that this "grey area" that I am in, I am in for a very specific reason. If I had come here and been super busy with a job and responsiblities, I would not have as much time just to rest in this place. Also, make no mistake: there are things that I am working through that are not very pretty, that are messy and all out of sorts. It's odd to be at rest but at the same time feel like I am being torn apart. Go figure.
I think that is enough of my thoughts for now.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
You are so beautiful!! Joe said that you are helping "pave the way" for a new generation of missions work to be done over there. I think he is right and I think you are doing so much that is even bigger than we know. You are bringing a family of believers together to help strengthen one another!! And so not only are you beautiful, but what you are doing is beautiful!!
Post a Comment