Time in the wilderness

"Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the Devil." Matt 4:1

Over the last week, I've had such the opportunity to connect with so many of my dear sisters in the faith in Arizona. For me, it was a much needed time of renewal and rest. However, during my special time of restoration, I realized that many others so dear to me were in much darker, less joyful, trying places. Conversation after conversation echoed this theme. I found myself often speaking about a recent experience in my life; one that is still very fresh and not yet fully understood. I call it my time in the wilderness.

Matt 4:1 sets the stage. I've read, and studied, the story of Satan tempting Jesus in the wilderness many times. Oddly enough, I never really focused on the first verse. It is such an amazing verse and one that has quite literally brought me from my despair to my joy.

"Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness..." My initial thought? Who the heck wants to be led into the wilderness. The wilderness...an area where there is a lack of food, lack of water, and lack of protection against the beasts that seek to devour me. I know that in my life, I can only be led to a place that I don't want to go by someone who I trust implicitly and know quite well. Look at who led Jesus into the wilderness. It was the Holy Spirit. So, we've got a place that is anything but good, but our most trusted counsel is telling us to go there. Does that strike anyone else? It certainly does for me. It makes me think why am I meant to go here? Clearly, the wilderness was more than Jesus knew it to be.

"....to be tempted by the Devil." Then, Jesus is made aware that the entire purpose of going to the wilderness is to be tempted by the Devil. Again, this is not a situation that I would want to be in. But, the Holy Spirit has led Jesus there. His Father in heaven has given direction to the Holy Spirit to place Him in the wilderness where He will be tempted. And Jesus goes.

For me, the wilderness has represented my time back in New York. While I have grown spiritually, it has been a very dry place for me. I often find myself thirsting for relationships with other believers, hungry for people who desire to seek God's face daily. It's been a challenge leaving Scottsdale, then Prineville, then Tanzania...all places where there was an abundance of women who sought the face of God and challenged me daily, to come to New York. I'd often felt that I had entered into a wilderness and was no longer being led by God. I struggled for quite some time because I was no longer able to feel the presence of God. I was in the Word, I was in prayer, I was fasting...I was doing all the things that I had been taught to do to draw closer to God and yet...I still couldn't feel Him.

I'm still in the wilderness. But, praise the Lord, this verse has brought me from my despair to the fullness of joy. The wilderness no longer represents a place that is lacking in food, lacking in water and lacking in protection. Quite the contrary. The wilderness is abundant with food. Just like the Israelites, I need to eat of the manna that God is providing. The wilderness is abundant with water. Just like the Israelites, I need to drink from the rock that was stuck in my need. And the wilderness is abundant with protection. "I will never leave you or forsake you." What more can I say? My wilderness has turned from a time of wandering to a time of pressing into God and trusting that with each and every step, my God will lead me.

There is such joy in following God in the wilderness. More than I have ever felt in my entire Christian walk. He is now truly the light unto my feet. He is truly my strength. He is truly my fortress. When I praise Him, I

How am I walking?

Oh, the Lord is popping little nuggets of wisdom on me and illuminating the Word.

"Therefore, I, a prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called..." Eph 4:1

After reading this verse today, my question to myself was simple: How am I walking?

When I reflect upon the surpassing greatness by which I have been saved, I realize the manner in which I am walking does not prove to be worthy of the calling with which I have been called. It doesn't even come close.

I realize that the manner in which I walk will never ever truly be worthy of the calling of Christ. It cannot ever be because what is worthy of Christ is only realized in true light, true truth and true love. I am capable of walking only through the Holy Spirit in me. I can never walk, alone, in a manner worthy. But, Christ in me, through the Holy Spirit can walk in a manner worthy.

The Holy Spirit brings with Him the fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22). When this fruit is allowed to sprout forth from me, my manner is made worthy of Christ. So, what must I do? I must allow the Holy Spirit to have His way in me and allow His fruit to be that which I bear.

Man alive, that's hard. But, it must be a decision I make everyday to allow Him to work in me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours...

I don't even know where to begin, or how to explain all that my heart wants to convey.

One of my prayers has been for God to "break my heart for what breaks Yours", from Hillsong's Hosanna. It is such a beautiful song and one that catapults me into worship. The desire in me to understand what breaks God's heart has been so strong.

At Sunday night service, which was just surreal and powerful, we sang Hosanna. I cannot explain worship that night with Steve Smith because I was completely consumed by the Holy Spirit. I've been told it was loud, spiritual, warfare music. I can remember opening my eyes a few times and seeing people completely lost to God. As we sang the above line, I once again prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks His.

At the end of the service, which was sort of a fog for me, the evangelist felt the Holy Spirit speaking to him to commission people in our congregation. Many went forward, myself one of them. As the Holy Spirit fell on people, there was uncontainable laughter in the sanctuary. Joy from the heavenlies abounded. That is, it abounded for most, except for me.

As hard as I tried to press in, to find God, to connect, I just wasn't able to touch it. My joy began to turn to sadness. Even while praying in the Spirit, my prayers were sad. The sadness then began to turn to the deepest broken-heartedness that I have felt. I've only experienced that level of heart-ache once before. My soul was weeping. It was torn apart at the idea that I had given all that I have to pursue Christ and still it was not enough for Him. Having your soul weep is very different than crying from something you can process in your mind. This was the deepest sense of moroseness that I can even try to explain.

I got in the car and drove home. I didn't even want to try to pray. I wanted to throw everything that I believed out the window, but I couldn't. You see, I am in love with someone and I still wanted more than anything in life for Him to love me back. I realized that I would be content just to have a single crumb from His plate if it meant that I might be in His presence.

It wasn't until 2 days later, with the help from a very wise man who stands in the office of a prophet, that I realized that I had experienced just what I had been praying for. I had had my heart broken for what breaks His.

What breaks His heart? I do. You do. We all do. Christ has pursued us and sought after us with everything He had, including His life. God pursued the Israelites with His heart. He provided all that they would ever need; He just wanted them to love Him. And guess what? They rejected Him, just like we do. I believe what I felt was the anguish that Christ feels when we choose to lavish our love, our devotion, our time, our worship and our affections on anything but Him.