Break my heart for what breaks yours...

I don't even know where to begin, or how to explain all that my heart wants to convey.

One of my prayers has been for God to "break my heart for what breaks Yours", from Hillsong's Hosanna. It is such a beautiful song and one that catapults me into worship. The desire in me to understand what breaks God's heart has been so strong.

At Sunday night service, which was just surreal and powerful, we sang Hosanna. I cannot explain worship that night with Steve Smith because I was completely consumed by the Holy Spirit. I've been told it was loud, spiritual, warfare music. I can remember opening my eyes a few times and seeing people completely lost to God. As we sang the above line, I once again prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks His.

At the end of the service, which was sort of a fog for me, the evangelist felt the Holy Spirit speaking to him to commission people in our congregation. Many went forward, myself one of them. As the Holy Spirit fell on people, there was uncontainable laughter in the sanctuary. Joy from the heavenlies abounded. That is, it abounded for most, except for me.

As hard as I tried to press in, to find God, to connect, I just wasn't able to touch it. My joy began to turn to sadness. Even while praying in the Spirit, my prayers were sad. The sadness then began to turn to the deepest broken-heartedness that I have felt. I've only experienced that level of heart-ache once before. My soul was weeping. It was torn apart at the idea that I had given all that I have to pursue Christ and still it was not enough for Him. Having your soul weep is very different than crying from something you can process in your mind. This was the deepest sense of moroseness that I can even try to explain.

I got in the car and drove home. I didn't even want to try to pray. I wanted to throw everything that I believed out the window, but I couldn't. You see, I am in love with someone and I still wanted more than anything in life for Him to love me back. I realized that I would be content just to have a single crumb from His plate if it meant that I might be in His presence.

It wasn't until 2 days later, with the help from a very wise man who stands in the office of a prophet, that I realized that I had experienced just what I had been praying for. I had had my heart broken for what breaks His.

What breaks His heart? I do. You do. We all do. Christ has pursued us and sought after us with everything He had, including His life. God pursued the Israelites with His heart. He provided all that they would ever need; He just wanted them to love Him. And guess what? They rejected Him, just like we do. I believe what I felt was the anguish that Christ feels when we choose to lavish our love, our devotion, our time, our worship and our affections on anything but Him.